Archive for February, 2011

Where’s my Penny?

Hey folks, BHC here. Recently the bodyguard asked me to help him work on his personals ad. Seems the big fella has hit the dating wall. He has met a few very nice ladies, sweet, smart, good with the chatter and all the things that are supposed to make people compatible but none of them have really sparked a connection with the lug. He’s a picky dude, I’ll say that. He loves the beauties. He loves the brainiacs. He loves the ones that are way out of his league. Especially, them. And it’s not that the guy has a huge self-image problem. Based on the things that matter most in a relationship: loyalty, sense of humor, spontaneity, the guy is a home run hitter. It’s in the smaller things where he finds his own flaws. He’s needs to feel committed. He prefers quiet nights at home. He doesn’t always get what the intended meaning of a woman’s often cryptic messages are. PS Ladies, if you want us to do the dishes try asking with this very direct approach “Would you please do the dishes?” I know that kind of straight forward thinking can get a guy in trouble, but I’m getting away from the big guy…

So what are the key elements that will make my protector purr like a pussy cat? Brains. Let’s talk to the smart gals for a second. Your enormous cranial capacity is a huge turn on for him. But don’t be fooled into thinking that any old rocket scientist can land my bodyguard. No, ma’am. Smarts don’t to  learned at college. They just need to be worked on, improved, growing. If you think you’ve learned enough and that life has nothing to teach you, well, first of all I laugh at your omnipotence. Second, I feel sorry for anyone who has given up on the adage of learning something new everyday. It’s crucial.

Music and movies. This is where things usually fall about. And I know that to some of you the idea of dismissing someone as a potential partner based on their taste in pop culture seems a bit extreme, but to the bodyguard these things are more important that what God a person chooses to follow or what political party they give their allegiance. A woman who finds Lady Gaga appealing, or the sugary syrup of Trace Adkins alluring, well she need not wonder if her and the bodyguard will last, they won’t. But if she can appreciate music she has never heard before, if she can enjoy the White Stripes and the Beatles, if she can be open to oddities, then she’s got a shot. As for movies. Well, look, not everyone has the Hollywood devouring appetite of Big Poppa. The guy watches everything. But if you can’t enjoy a big popcorn action movie as well as drama like Black Swan then save the guy a few bucks at the box office and move on to the next prospect.

So here’s the ad I have come up with: SWM, early 40’s (acts between 15-35 depending on situation) seeks SF, 28-40 for Mix disc swapping, hand holding, Oscar party attending, and trivia partner. Must love live music, must know who Han Solo is and what ship he piloted, must participate in silliness. Desire to attend Bonnaroo a huge plus.

I wonder if it will ever get a response.


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